I do not know the words. I don’t know that there are any. I will try no less.
I do not mourn the deaths of the children and adults in Newtown, CT. People die every day. Children die every day. Usually from preventable events like this one. But more often with another’s hands, not guns. And even more often from intentional medical murder. Not guns. I no less mourn.
I do mourn the terror these children and adults experienced. I mourn and ache for their dear, sweet little hearts felt as they watched their teacher fall, their friends fall. The terror. That is the evil. Not the deaths, but the terror.
I believe that I, having accepted Christ into my heart, have nothing to fear in death. But I’ve never faced death. I have feared the death of one of my children, but she lives today. I know in my heart that a life with Jesus Christ after this one will be one of peace. I have nothing to fear.
I believe that these children, so young, are with Christ now. They have no pain, no sadness, no worry. Jesus loves the little children. They are not able to understand the finality of life and are therefore not subject to His judgement as I am. I believe.
No less, my heart hurts for the terror these children and adults experienced. My heart hurts for the families who have lost these precious souls of the children. But death is not where I hurt or am sad. It’s the terror.
The terror of never holding my Laura Lea in my arms again. The terror of never asking Reade to please put on deodorant again. The terror of never seeing clothes strewn from one end of a room to another by Rebekah Anne. The terror of never hearing Kelly Mae’s sweet and gentle “good morning” again. The terror of never feeling Sawyer’s unique hugs again. The terror of never welcoming Mike home again, even as I am dropping my basket on him and anyone nearby.
The terror those precious children felt as they saw a mad man, no. He was not a man. The terror those precious children felt as they saw a deranged human destroy life.
I am so grateful they do not remember. Praise be to God, from whom all blessings flow.