If I were a gynecologist, I’d call my patients out. I’d be the one person that a woman was dreading to see. And not because of the stirrups.

If I were a gynecologist, I’d look at the woman who comes in saying her husband wants too much sex and I’d say to her, “You want too little sex. Now decide to be a wife and I’ll tell you how I can help you have great sex.”

If I were a gynecologist, I’d look at the woman who comes in saying she wants to lose weight and I’d say to her, “Quit eating crap, quit being sedentary, and have more sex.”

If I were a gynecologist, I’d look at the woman who comes in saying she is depressed and I’d say to her, ” Go outside even when it’s cold, do more of what you like, quit eating crap, move around more, have more sex, and enjoy it.”

If I were a gynecologist, I’d look at the woman who comes in saying she wants to avoid menopause and I’d say to her, “Live your life. A woman’s life includes menopause. Take this moment in your life to be outside during the hot flashes, do more of what you like, quit eating crap, get your body moving, have great, fun sex, and be happy and grateful you are a gift made for your husband. Here’s how I can help.”

(All of this incredible insight and medical training I gleaned whilst sitting in a gray office donning a gown, blanket and socks while staring at posters about menopause, sexually transmitted infections, and osteoporosis. It is my not-made-for-TV opinion that all three of the posters’ concerns can be avoided with my sound advice. You are welcome.)

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