I don’t feel any need to share why I needed to break from blogging for a while. It really doesn’t matter other than I knew I had too much on my plate and so I reacted as necessary.

But I do, with trepidation, feel the need to share what I’ve learned these last many months. And I’m afraid that if I don’t share it, my head may explode. The words have replayed over and over in my head through these last few weeks.

And, because I *must* get this out of my head, I suppose the most important things will naturally come first.

I want to die. Yes. I want to die. Not this minute, so don’t go calling the crisis line. When my body can do no more, I want to die.

I’ve learned that if I want to die, I have to make my thoughts, expectations, beliefs, and demands known without any gray area. I’m not going to spell those out here. That’s unnecessary. But I will be clear. There will be no room for my children or Husband to try to change my mind. I am stubborn like that.

Speaking of people manipulating minds, a nurse shared with me something I’d never considered. Never even had on my radar… My children, none of them, will be my healthcare Power of Attorney. It is a burden too large for any loving heart. I have no desire to make those decisions for my children, I will not expect them to make them for me.

Instead I will choose a trusted friend. Probably one I piss off with regularity so that she’ll be glad to get rid of me and therefore eager to follow my directives. That doesn’t really narrow it down. It isn’t even as if I have a large field from which to choose!

I also learned that touch means far more than time. Yes, I know. There are five love languages one being touch and another being quality time. Yeah, yeah. But when I have nothing but time to lay in a bed and stare at a ceiling, I want to be touched. My feet cared for, my face washed, help keeping my mouth and teeth clean. Give me 15 minutes of touch and I’m happier than if you spent two hours across the room staring at me.

I learned that family does not supersede nor surpass all things. And that’s OK.

I learned that my children are far more competent than I believed. My children are expected to do far more in terms of family responsibility than a lot of kids. But I can ask for more. And I will.

I learned that it’s OK not to mop every week.

I learned that prophylactic silver and herbs, good real food, and handwashing is all it takes to be well all winter despite walking in and out of germ factories.

I was reminded that I’d rather have capable children than labeled children.

I was reminded that sometimes crap just happens. There doesn’t have to be assigned blame for crap anymore than there has to be assigned credit for greatness.

I was reminded that our precious little seven-person family is all that ultimately matters. We don’t fit in box, nor do I want us to. If we are labeled as “freaks,” so be it. We have each other. And we’re all we need on this Earth.

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