It’s quiet here because I am focused here. Being sick took a lot out of me and just keeping up at home is truly more than I can do many days right now. My friends won’t (i hope!) hear me whine much because I can’t seem to change it. It’s the stoopid mono (still) I am sure and it is what it is.
Fortunately, our oldest repaired the treadmill and just a few days back on it and I feel so much better already. I am grateful that our son has learned how to be handy by watching his Dad.
We are enjoying friends. We are enjoying Autumn even with this cold snap. We are enjoying our oasis here just outside the town. We are enjoying being together. Most of the time. Sometimes the sass (never mine, of course) gets in the way, but we regroup.
I am also quiet because I am spending some of my time focused on the elections and the process of the elections. Seems I would say more here of all places, right? No. For whatever reason, I am asked for whom I am voting so others know how to to vote. Not gonna fall for the trap. I choose to make educated choices despite the blind voting others may choose to do. The information’s out there. It is not always easy to find. But it’s there. And the candidates, locally and state wide, are generally accessible. It requires effort. Not a common American theme these days, effort.
I am also quiet because I dropped my basket this weekend with the red head. I had been reasoning with her most of the day. She lied to me more than once and disrespectfully told me “no” more than once. I lost it. Which is actually rare. I do have Rumplestiltskin moments, too. It sucked. It made me physically ill. I was on the phone with my Husband in tears. And I had created a memory that I didn’t want my daughter to have and I could never erase. It takes two to create such emotion and I chose to respond as a child, not an adult. Life is a series of choices and I made a poor one. I asked her forgiveness. She forgave me. And I still held to the fact that my poor behavior does not excuse her disrespectful behavior.
And in the aftermath of the moment, a new acquaintance came to my door and I cried. How silly of me. I was no less very grateful.
That moment with Rebekah Anne was very humbling for me. I can’t even actually believe I was able to write all of that out…
And I am also quiet because of this SuperStormSandy. I don’t mean any hatred, but if a house is built on sand… Living in a hurricane-prone region of the country, the language, the discussions, the pictures are not unfamiliar. I pray for the safety and peace of those affected. My heart is heaviest for those who are helping recover others and others’ property and prepare the way for the residents while they, too, have homes, families, lives that need recovery. What must the emotional toll be on a person who has their own property and people on hold while assisting others? I cannot fathom. But it is not unfamiliar. We choose where we live… if a city is built on sand…
And I am quiet because I have friends hurting. Their hearts, their bodies, their minds. Some from losses, some from business ventures, some from illness. And some from me. I am not going to change my convictions simply to appease anyone. I don’t intend harm, but I am actively aware that some of my statements, which are solicited, will hurt. Especially about breast cancer awareness month. I would rip away the cancer, the pain, the emotional, familial, and financial struggles associated with cancer if I could. But I can’t. And I cannot see how merchandising low-quality pink stuff will help. But then my body hasn’t caved to its cancers. Yet.
Which brings me full circle.
Maybe I am tired because my cancers are catching up and ready to ravage my body. I don’t know. And I won’t worry. I am not in control of that. I am choosing to press forward. I will care for my body, for my Husband, for my children, for my friends, for my community. Life is a series of choices. And I choose these things.